My name is Caitlin McCourt
by Corinne Marie
Summary: What if the story was told by someone else? What would Caitlin say about what had happened between her and Nick? Here's your chance to find out. Rated T for language, I think.


**A/N: This was an assignment for my English class that I decided to expand upon. This is Caitlin's journal, so you can see her side of the story. Hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer:All characters and most of the story (I wrote the part about the car, that's it) belong to Alex Flinn and her various helpers like agents and such.**

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The drive to the courthouse seems to take forever. Mom keeps touching my hand and stroking my hair and shooting me pitying looks when she should be paying attention to the road. It almost makes me want to scream, but all those months with Nick have taught me to keep quiet. And now I realized that this would never go away, not like the bruises. This was a scar that, fortunately, couldn't be seen, but unfortunately would never, ever leave me.

When we finally get to the courthouse, we don't get out of the car for a minute.

"Are you sure you can do this?" Mom asks, with another pitying look. "I'm sure they'll allow someone else to testify against him." She says the word _him_ like it was a swear word.

For a moment I'm very tempted. It's true; there are others who knew about it. Tom was there when it happened, he could tell them. So could Saint, or Peyton, or Liana, even Derek and Elsa, who knew this was coming before I did, or any of the people that ever saw us together.

"No, I have to do it," I say. Maybe I'm being brave, or maybe I'm just not sure if they could take someone else's testimony for a restraining order. Either way, I push open my door and step out of the car. I keep my head down, staring at my toes, afraid that if I happen to see Nick I'll lose my nerve. But I notice how close my mother is standing, protecting me from prying eyes. I'm not sure if her appearance helped at all, since she looks like a Barbie doll.

After the security checks at the doors, Mom and I find the correct courtroom and sit down in the center pew. I didn't look around, pretending not to care about whether or not he is here yet, wondering how long it will be before the trial starts.

After a few minutes, more people start filing into the courtroom. I still don't look around. And then I feel someone watching me and I know it's Nick. _I won't look, I won't look. _Funny how after being with someone for so long you start to recognize that they're looking at you even if you can't see them. _I won't look, I won't look_. And then he's walking right towards me. I look at him.

"Why are you doing this Cat?" he whispers, as if he doesn't know. "I thought we had something special."

"Yeah, Nick. I thought so too." I say, looking at my knees, willing my eyes to stop filling with tears. I was right, I shouldn't have looked at him.

"Then why--?" I don't let him finish.

"You know why." I can't stand it anymore. I stand up and sat on the other side of my mother.

He stands there for a few seconds more while I wish for everything to disappear. His father nudges him and he starts moving again. I try hard not to look at him, but I do in the end. He is trying to talk to his father, but even I could see that his father wasn't paying any attention. I'm surprised no one has noticed yet how his father treats him.

Soon it's time for me to testify. I can feel my legs shaking as I walk up to the witness stand. I hardly notice the words I'm saying as I'm sworn in. and then a lawyer in polyester asks me to state my name.

"Caitlin Alyssa McCourt," I say calmly.

He points to my statement and asks if that's what it is and I nod, so he tells me to voice my answers for the record. I say yes. My eyes are filling with tears.

I'm asked if I was in a relationship with Nick and say yes. I'm asked if he's here, another obvious yes. I point him out when I'm asked to, and I start crying when I see him looking at me like I'm the only good thing in the world. They give me a tissue, and then they ask the hard questions.

"Was the relationship a sexual one?" The lawyer asks.

Now I'm more nervous than ever. I wring my hands in my lap, almost tearing the tissue. "Yes," I mutter, almost unable to force it out.

"Was the sex consensual?" he asks, seemingly unfeeling.

Silence that seems to last for hours. I look at my mother, and she is obviously trying to make me say no, it was rape, I never wanted to. But that would be a lie. I'd never regretted it, not ever. I could still remember falling asleep in his arms that first night…

Apparently I've waited too long because the lawyer repeats the question.

"I heard you," I said, more tears slipping down my face out of nowhere. "I was thinking." I let the silence drag on for a few more seconds, and then say, "Yes, it was consensual," as I wipe away another tear. I see Nick sigh with relief. "Nick and I…I loved him." My mother shakes her head, exasperated, and I decide not to look at her again.

"What happened December 12th?" the lawyer asks.

"He hit me." It doesn't seem like enough, doesn't begin to describe everything that happened. Nick is no longer paying attention.

"Were you ever afraid that he would hurt you?"

"No," I said, "not until the first time he hit me, on the way back from Thanksgiving break."

"Was he jealous of your friends or family?"

"Elsa and Derek," I said, wanting desperately to tell them everything.

"Can you explain, please?"

"Elsa has always been my best friend. When Nick and I first started dating, we used to take Elsa to lunch with us, but they hated each other. I guess Elsa saw Nick for what he really was before I did. He said I had to tell her to eat lunch somewhere else or he would break up with me. He said I could hang out with Elsa when he wasn't around, but we were always together after that, so I lost my best friend.

"Derek Wayne was kind of my voice coach. He would play the piano for me when I practiced. One day I was a little late to meet Nick somewhere because my lesson had run a little late. Nick got mad when he found me with Derek and told me never to see him again. He called me a slut. And then he left me stranded in the parking lot, but when he saw me crying he came back. But I was forbidden from seeing Derek again."

He kept asking questions and I kept answering honestly, barely thinking. I had practiced the answers, reading off of a paper I'd gotten from a counselor titled "The Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship". I was remembering Nick. Images of everything that had happened between us, good and bad, were running through my head. Key West, being elected homecoming princess, initiation, the first night I spent with Nick, the talent show and what happened afterward. After I'd said everything I possibly could, answering many questions with simply a "yes", I went back and sat next to my mom, who still looked disapproving. And then Nick went up to the stand.

And he denied everything. He said he had tried to break up with me and I had done this, tried to get a restraining order that I didn't need because he wouldn't waste his time. And that hurt more than any of the other things he'd done. I was crying harder by then, practically sobbing, so I didn't hear what the judge told Nick, but my mom told me the restraining order had been granted. I went back to the car feeling relieved. Maybe, just maybe, it was finally over…

**Caitlin McCourt**

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**A/N:So, anyway, please review if you like it and want me to keep writing.  
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